“Hey.”
“Go away, Lisa.”
He didn’t bother looking up from the ant. Lucky ant. It had a purpose, and that purpose was so easy.
So unlike himself.
“Iz, you’ve got to get your mind off Claus.”
“Oh, yeah?” he asked, voice breaking. “How? Ask an alien to brainwash me? Die?”
He felt her hand grasp his shoulder. It held comfort. He didn’t know if he could reach for it.
“No, Iz, just remember that if Claus-“
“If Claus what? If Claus dies? Is that what you’re trying to tell me, Lisa?”
A tear fell to the pavement. The ant scurried away, frightened.
“Claus won’t die. Claus can’t die.”
She choked on her own words.
A bullet of melancholy lodged itself in his neck.
“I…I brought a game.”
She was trembling.
The world was trembling. The air was shimmering. But…the clouds didn’t linger to cry tears for Claus.
The clouds didn’t know that death hung over the hospital.
“Marbles, Iz.”
She spilled the marbles into the dust. She drew a circle with her finger, one hand still squeezing his shoulder with cold calm.
How could she be so serene? The traitor.
“Green or blue?”
Clouds.
Claus.
“I’ll take blue, then. Opposite of dealer, you go first.”
Her voice. It betrayed the day.
“Iz? Cecil?”
What was it he was here for? These marbles? He couldn’t remember.
Clouds.
He reached out and batted the marble with his hand. Perhaps too hard. It bounced out of the ring.
“Oops, Iz. I’ll ge-“
Why did she stop?
He withdrew his gaze from the ignorant clouds.
Someone standing there, marble at his feet. Tall. Hunched over.
“Cecil King?”
What did he want? Surely it could wait until Claus got better.
“Yes.”
Lisa answered for him.
“Patient 2-42 said you were here.”
2-42.
Claus.
“He asked to give you this.”
An envelope.
“Thank you, sir.”
Lisa, again.
The man paused. Walked away, slowly.
He opened it.
Before the second sentence began, tears veiled his vision and the paper fluttered -so like a butterfly-to the ground.
Marred so soon by sorrow.
“It’s raining.” he said quietly. Tears rested on his lashes.
He could cry. Claus had said so.
But still.
“It’s not raining,” said Lisa, raising her eyes to the heavens. She withdrew her hand to grasp the paper. Faltering.
“It’s raining. Can’t you feel Claus’ crying?” he whispered.
Lisa twitched, hand frozen to the letter.
“Yes.”
Grief formed in her eyes.
“It’s raining.”
_______________
For the
["Lost 'Em (marbles)"] contest.
I dunno. It's just I was experimenting with a chip-chop style. (Heh, I'm such a hypocrit, eh, Twit?) And it sort of suited the idea. I dunno.
I'm feeling somewhat morbid today, and this was good to get rid of that feeling of, "oh, I'm so emo, i might slash my wrists or somthin' (haha, NOT...)"
Enjoy!
sumi
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
Awesome and touching. This was pretty sweet. Other than that, I don't have much to say. It was as close to perfect as you can get, seeing as no one's perfect.
I loved it.
~*Dreamer*~
What's in the letter? If I know myself well enough, I'd say something decidedly supernatural. ^_~
Thanks, guys! ^_^ I don't think anyone else has submitted anything, though
I did the chip-chop thing on purpose, JC, for the dramatic effect. (In my opinion, Cecil sounds like he's delirious from a fever, in the way that I wrote him, which is the reason it's so floaty and detached.)
Thanks again, everybody. I had my doubts about this one. ^_^
~Sumi
I liked this one. I was feeling a bit sane and somber myself, so I easily stuck with this story. Very well written. I never knew pure dialogue could do so much! *learned something new today*
There's just one thing I would suggest, but it's probably based just off of the author's style of writing, not some invisible rulebook.
This is just one example, but a good one to prove my point--the dash. *gasp* You have a dash after "fluttered" and "butterfly." Well, at first glance, they look like the words "fluttered-so" and "butterly-to." To keep from doing this, I usually use two dashes. It would look like this:
Before the second sentence began, tears veiled his vision and the paper fluttered--so like a butterly--to the ground.
I Microsoft Word, it would change into one bigger dash for a cleaner look, but doing this will at least show that you didn't invent two compound words. It's a "Hey, here's some extra info about this paper!"
That's just a suggestion, however. You did very well with this!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Fortunate for you, I'm in a morbid, slit your wrists kind of mood myself.
I liked this. Your dialogue is good. There is an awkwardness that fits the moment and a touch of suspence. I'd love to know what the letter said but perhaps you don't know yourself and it's probably better if the reader doesn't know. Leave us wondering. Your word choice is fine and it was a clever way to incorporate the marbles game. Tells you a bit about Lisa. Loved the short sentences and basically, it was well written. Sorry I wasn't too helpful but there's nothing I'd change.
Awesome!
I really liked it. The style was wonderful. The short paragraphs and almost complete dialog really did it. It kept me interested, and I kept wanting to read more. 
I loved the concept. I little dark and sober, but light enough to not make me think about sorrow and death after I read it.
I didn't spot any mistakes, and the wording was perfect.
Good Luck!
It was good, I couldn't find any mistakes. It kept me intrested, though I would love to know more about the characters...small history, things like that.
Also...do you have any paragraphs longer than two sentences? This is pretty much all dialoug...which somehow suits it...in a very, very weird way.
So, I guess I can't be much help, good luck in the contest.
Keep up the good work!
-JC